Breast Cancer — Don’t tell me hair isn’t my identity, because it is!!

People that say your hair doesn’t identify you have never been through an ordeal where theirs has fallen out because YES IT DOES!

When my hair started to fall out about 2 weeks after chemo began, I cried. A lot. I sent one of my best friends, Lori a pm on facebook because I knew she wouldn’t say that to me. I couldn’t even call her because I was in tears. I could deal with the cancer, I could ALMOST deal with the fact that I had lost my breasts, I could NOT deal with losing my hair. That was my breaking point. She got it even though she had never been through it. She understood my identity, my femininity going down the shower drain. She let me cry and she cried with me. I will never forget that.

It fell out in chunks, not strands, CHUNKS in my brush, in the shower, on my pillow case nonstop. Showers left me looking like a matted dog after the rain and it finally got to the point that it hurt. I didn’t understand how hair could hurt then but I do now. The follicles hurt when my hair moved.
On Christmas eve, 2012, I finally asked my husband to shave it off and I cried all over again. It was done, I was done inside.

Christmas morning, I wrapped my head in a scarf and did what I always did on Christmas morning, forgot about the world and celebrated with my family because I was still here, bald head and all!!!!!

During Christmas break, Amber had came into my room and said “mommy will you please wear your scarves all the time? It makes me sad to see your head bald” Of course, I agreed! By about time school started back up after the break and they had their next show and tell she came back into my room and says “mommy you can stop wearing it now! Oh by the way, can I take you to show and tell?” I laughed and knew all would be well with the world again.

My 3rd chemo treatment took me for a loop! Before then, I was tired for a day or two but managed to function normally just at a slower pace. I always had them on Wednesdays and this was no different, Thursday I was more tired than usual but still got up to take the kids to school and went to get them. I made dinner and went to bed and didn’t wake back up until Friday to take them to school. My sister had come up with the suggestion that she take the girls every weekend I had treatments and omg I am SO glad she did! My brother in law would come get them and honestly, I could barely stay awake long enough to pack them up and wait for him to get there. She told me a few times that she could tell I packed them last minute due to the way I packed stuff or forgetting things…not sure why I didn’t pack them before chemo day but I didn’t!

Every treatment after that got rougher and rougher and I am ever so thankful for the amazing friends I had! They say you find out who your friends are (and family!) and they were SO right! People I thought were my friends just dropped out of sight, one of my very own sisters said she couldn’t be around me because she couldn’t deal with it (yeah like I was happy about it, right?) but I was also very surprised at those I thought would fade away stepped up and blew me away! We had meals made and brought over, I even had a very good friend send me chocolate covered fruit the day before my treatments because she knew my taste buds died every treatment! I’m pretty sure my girls enjoyed them more!!!

Even on facebook, my friends were awesome! No one pitied me (at least not that I know of) they giggled with me about every day life, I wasn’t constantly asked how I was doing or any of that. If I needed/wanted something, I got it! I had posted about someone telling me that having silky pajamas would be a great thing for me to have after my surgery because it would making sliding into/out of bed easier and with it being winter time I couldn’t find any! She found 2 pair and sent them!! See what I mean? The best friends a gal could ask for! I was craving mashed potatoes once and my neighbor read it and made me a small pot of them and was at my door within an hour!

My husband was my rock, even though at times I saw that look in his eyes, thinking and wondering the same thing I was…was I going to make it through this?!
Well, we did and here I am!

Odd kind of post huh? Thankfully October is almost over and I can stop thinking about it again…..because life is too short to dwell on what was….I hate October….

Can we talk about something else?

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